Early this week (yep, that recent. It’s an open wound), I came face-to-face with a thought that has been lingering at the back of my mind for a long time, but did not have enough GUTS to own up to it.
It appeared to me clear as day, and I finally realized I have nowhere to hide but to step up and OWN IT: “What you have right now is not BIG enough,“ that voice whispered gently, but firmly.
This thought scares me. It’s not just as simple as “stepping up to your greatness” – even though it sounds good on paper and people like to toss this phrase around.
It is about facing my deepest FEARS when declaring my big vision, what I really really WANT – and having to live up to it.
Am I good enough? Do I deserve it? What happens when I put my heart and soul in it and it gets rejected? If I go down the rabbit hole and it’s not “IT”, is my life wasted? Shit, it feels so big, where do I even begin?
Here is the AHA: secretly, there is one part of me that refuses to grow up. This part of me is stuck at 23 – working my way through grad school. The world is big and I knew enough to know that I didn’t know enough.
It is the age of wide-open possibilities and not committing to one thing; at which the “adults” out there would take care of things; where it’s ok to have others “guide” us because we are “just starting out.”
It is the age of “getting away with it” because time is on our side; of “it’s ok to be small, for now, so you can learn and grow safely”; of “following the steps of” or “being take under the wings by” (aka, being in the shadow of); of “it’s ok to be just ok, for now.”
It is the age when invincibility was taken out and vulnerability has not set in. It is when the commitment required by anything longer than a one-night-stand makes the head hurt and the heart run.
I did some digging with my coach and realized I have an expectation/disappointment issue. My way of dealing with disappointment is to walk away. It’s ok when dealing with other people, but it becomes problematic when I am dealing with myself.
If I declare my big vision and then default to my “walk away” M.O. then I will really disappoint myself for being a flake… and I can’t handle that. (More on that some other day… I am sure an epic post is coming.)
With this realization will come another round of “sitting through the fire and curl up and suck my thumb.” But I am not ready to dive in, not yet. Maybe next week.
I don’t go about throwing stuff, cursing, screaming, or ranting and raging in my blog posts, for no good reason. It is to help me undo the head-gunk – the limitations, preconceptions, misconceptions, judgments, conclusions – so I can find the clarity to BE more.
Clarity –> Conviction, Commitment, Gumption
What’s the point of always running and screaming if we can’t enjoy the fruit of this hard work/emotion – the peace that comes with clarity?
The gut-felt certainty, the conviction,
the knowingness of finally owning something meaningful.
It’s not like I read somewhere or someone told me I have to stop and rest… and “smell the roses.” This extraordinary sense of quietude comes from the body, the GUTS. A kind of Trust and Knowing that it’s the “right” thing to do, even though I have absolutely NO clue how to get there. GUTS says Yes, we go.
What about YOU?
Do you have a big-ass vision you are too chicken-shit to admit and own? Too scare to say it out loud, to declare it, even just to yourself?
Is part of you stuck at a certain age with a set of world view and stories that are holding you back from stepping up and owning the hell out of your big vision?
On a scale of 1-10, how much do you TRUST yourself that you can bring your big vision to life?
Leave a comment below, let me know. Or, hit me up for some Instant Clarity.