I have no idea where the f*** to begin. So I am just going to write.
It’s been a heart-hollowing, gut-wrenching hell of a week. Nothing happened in my outside world, but my inner landscape has been turned upside down, over and over again (and I get motion sickness easily…)
It’s hard too, because it’s not something I can share casually. If I say “I am sad because my cat died” – I would probably get some sympathy. But if I say “I am completely hollowed out and feel like I have nothing left because I just dumped out a whole bunch of mindset baggage” – I may get a “wtf, just move on already.”
I have never felt so RAW and VULNERABLE.
I am knee deep in building my new website and the process forced me to get clear on my message and my vision (which is so big that it scares me.) Along with the nuts-and-bolts, I took this opportunity to DIG really freakin’ deep because I want this website to be an “ART project” – a full expression of ME, my vision, my value and my GUTS.
As you can imagine, a lot of gunk and crap got stirred up so I got onto some SOS calls with my coach to face them head on. Instead of suppressing the emotions, I whipped out every last ounce of courage to face everything that comes up so we could clean them ALL out. Come out the other end FREE and CLEAR.
It HURTS… frackin’ hurts… everything hurts. I have never felt so hollow as I let go of those old stuff I have been gripping onto yet are no longer relevant.
HEART feels painfully hollow, as if someone went into my chest cavity and scooped everything out. I have used up every single ounce of energy going through this, even though I am just sitting at my computer and writing my guts out.
I feel so raw inside that any interaction with the outside world may trigger a tsunami reaction. Dragging my ass over to feed the kids feels like lifting a ton of bricks (yes, I had a few sh!t parent moments.)
This is Business Soulworktm at its best.
Big vision, accompanied by the GUTS to not compromise, triggers a cocktail of emotions. Not happy, not sad. Not blissful, not angry. That cocktail of emotions is causing physical hangover in my body. Some days, I just want to curl up and suck my thumbs. Some days, I want to punch a pillow and scream.
Emotion is the language of the Soul – Emotions expressed through our body is how our KNOWING and INTUITION talk to us. Right now, it’s telling me a whole lot of stuff. Bathing in this emotional cocktail is brain-numbing – I am barely functional – but when SOUL speaks, we better listen up.
The commitment to a big vision, with the goal of unblocking the path to living a grander aligned purpose through business has triggered the excavation of old gunk – old stories, preconceptions, limiting beliefs, and sh!t I have no idea what to call them.
TRUST – I have “issues” when it comes to trusting the Universe. My CORE being KNOWS all I need to do is Trust, yet my “logical monkey mind” hates it when I let go of control. The more my “higher self” wants to relax into “life”, the more the other part freaks out. It grips onto anything it can get hold of, and fights me tooth and nail to hold onto whatever last bits it can… I can literally hear the screeching.
ABANDONMENT – it’s human nature that we all fear to be abandoned. My version of this fear comes in the flavor of not fully investing my heart and soul into relationships (with people or with work), or wanting to “leave” before completion because it’s better that I take off than the other party leaves me.
SECURITY – that “logical” part of me wants reassurance – a sense of being “safe” even though I KNOW deep down, that it’s a false sense of security. It’s the illusion of relying on a paycheck even though we know full well that next time it could be a pink slip. Yet this irrational need is like a boogie man gripping my ankle every time I want to jump.
I could turn away at any point and still have a business that “works.” It takes even more GUTS to stick with it because I won’t end up on the street and nobody dies if I do it just 75% of the way. I may even get a few rounds of applause. But not from ME.
Committing to backing off NOT being an option and
grinding my teeth through that last 26% is where
THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD.
No “$197 blueprint” or “$297 system” can help me in this last 26%. I have to dive in deep to untie the knot so I can come out for air. Not to belabor on mythology and hand analysis, but it’s my Persephone Headline hard at work – diving into the Deep Dark Realm to rescue the Lost Soul. Finding the soul of the business, is my SuperPower.
Diving into the deep darkness is not our strong suits as (modern) human beings. Everything is so clean… even our relationships (to self and to others) and how we express (and suppress) our emotions.
It’s time to muster up the Courage to let go of hygienic relationships and emotional censorship (at least, start with your relationship with self) so we can DIG, EXCAVATE. Willing to GET MESSY, be your own Indiana Jones.
My vision and purpose lies in a Heart & Guts business – it is SOUL-powered – and emotion is the language of the soul. To succeed, I have to face my very own hygienic relationships and emotional censorship, before I can fully live my message. Business Soulwork at in action, at its best.
It’s hard labor. I wake up tired. Like I just fought a war. I need so much space that I want to run until I drop off the edge of the Earth. To hide. To turn into soup – like a caterpillar going through metamorphosis.
If some personal growth or mindset program tells you it will be all love and light after some canned-journalling exercises, run the other way.
It may be a feel-good quick-fix. The reason that it doesn’t make you feel bad is because it hasn’t even scratched the surface. They don’t tell you on the sales page that night is darkest before the sunrise. If you are unwilling to plunge through the darkness, don’t expect miracles… There is no free lunch.
Next time, when you get a physical hangover because your SOUL doles out a potent emotional cocktail to show YOUR TRUTH – please please please listen.
Ready to have spark a SOUL-powered business? Hit me up.